How I spent my pregnancy all by myself

Pregnancy is a time when a woman needs to be surrounded by her loved ones. However, not every woman gets to have that. Following is a heart-wrenching account of an Indian woman about how she handled her pregnancy all by herself. The pregnancy test which I had just taken was still in my hands. I didn’t know what to feel. I felt numb. I felt still. I felt consumed.

My husband soon took off for work, leaving me all alone. I was creating a life without him by my side. I constantly craved for companionship and love. I often heard a voice inside me saying “You are only supposed to bring dowry and a male child into this family”.

The first trimester was the worst. Every day was difficult. I had to cook food every day but I didn’t feel like eating it. There was constant fatigue and nausea. Every evening negative thoughts would capture by whole being and bring about an endless flow of tears.

Luckily I was able to find a meditation channel which helped me with spending my evenings. Every morning I woke up thinking that I had sailed through yet another lonely night. The meditation helped. Because of it, I felt a deep divine connection

inside me. My self confidence started to increase. I was able to smile again.

The meditation couldn’t teach me how to not expect help from my husband though. I often called him in vain. I requested him to shift me to my parents’ house. Of course my requests went unanswered.

I had to wake up every day at 6 am to buy fresh vegetables from the market. The increased urination made me wake up several times during the night. Our bathroom was located at the backyard. I had to go there all by myself at times like 2 am. All of this made it very difficult for me to wake up in the morning. I was perennially sleep deprived. But I kept on fighting.

The worst was yet to happen.

My husband stopped sending me money. I continued to buy vegetables and groceries by using my teacher’s salary. I had to cut down on many needs at a time when I needed maximum nutrition.

Soon it was Diwali. Everybody was rejoicing while I was weeping on the phone while talking to my friend Raashi. My doctor had asked me to not travel and I was not able to go to my parents. She suggested that I call my husband. I told her he simply won’t allow my parents to come and stay with me.

While the world burst crackers outside, I lit some lamps and went to sleep.

My second and third trimesters were easier. I decided to not spend Christmas like I had spent Diwali. I channelled my energy towards art and crafts. Very soon I was creating lamps and baskets out of waste. I realized that money wasn’t everything. Being resourceful is what mattered more.

Soon the time came.

I made frantic call to my husband amidst the labour pain, asking him to come. He said “I will see”.

He didn’t come.

I delivered a baby boy. The good news forced my mother-in-law to visit me at the hospital. All she said was “bring him home”.

The trials and tribulations which I faced during pregnancy turned me into a fighter. I felt like I could tackle anything, whether it was fear, anger, judgement, resistance or discomfort.

I feel free

From this hour I ordain myself loosed of limits and imaginary lines, Going where I list, my own master total and absolute Listening

to others, considering well what I say, Pausing, searching, receiving, contemplating… -Walt Whitman, Song of the Open Road

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